At least in principle, Mormons like Sportsmanship.

From the time most Mormons are children, they hear other Mormons tell them to play fair—to be a good sport. More specifically, this is what Mormon children hear on the minivan ride to and from their sporting events. During the event, however, what Mormon children hear is quite different.

In the heat of action, Mormon parents wildly cheer their children on or nag them relentlessly—not based on sportsmanship but rather winning and losing. Mormon parents are often guilty at yelling—and even insulting—the referee from the sideline. "Ref., are you friggin’ blind?! That big oaf is clobbering them." When the chips are on the table, Mormons desire to see their kids be good at sports much more than be good sports.

As Mormons know, poor sportsmanship is not only exhibited by Mormon kids and cheering parents. What I am talking about here specifically (as Mormons would have already guessed) is church basketball. For those unfamiliar with church ball, it is competitive basketball mainly for Mormons that fit into two groups: "has beens" and "wished they'd beens." Even more fundamentally, church ball is where we find members extending the hand of fellowship right into the grill of an opposing player.

Recently, the Mormon church has announced that the church is thinking about cracking down on bad sportsmanship at church basketball games. This comes as quite a shock to Mormons who have participated in church basketball. This is not merely tinkering with the game. Oh no, to the contrary, it is like changing the rules of baseball by banning gloves, balls, and bats and instead requiring players to move around the bases by dancing to the Macarena and while dressed as circus performers.

So, what can be done about bad sportsmanship at church ball games? We might imagine some sort of punishment. Maybe the church could ask Danny Ainge—a Mormon and former great NBA basketball player—to bite those who get out of control. That is how Danny got Tree Rollins to calm down during the 1980s playoffs. But, no … pain won't work. If pain were an issue, they wouldn't participate in church ball in the first place. Furthermore, Mormons have a high pain tolerance. They have learned to endure by bearing the weight of ward talent shows and pioneer treks.

Rumors had it that the church was actually thinking about giving Jell-o Jigglers to those who followed the rules. Yet, in the end, it is obvious why this would never work. You cannot bribe Mormons with something they had gobs of in the refrigerator at home.

So, what is the church contemplating? Simply put, the church is going right for the jugular: docking points for bad sportsmanship. This binds what traditionally has been a conflicted: the desire to win and to show good sportsmanship.

The only questions regarding this scheme seem to relate to how this will impact the Mormon psyche. What will happen to Mormons who try to bottle up their fiercely competitive nature? We might expect to see even more Mormons drawn to business and law. "Take it out in the courthouse, not on the court boys." Even more troubling, however, is what do about all those Mormons who use church ball as an outlet for anger—or even the desire to inflict senseless pain? It is hard to say, but most likely it will lead more Mormons to become dentists.

* I would like to thank a good friend in New Orleans for all of his help with this post. I also thank all the Mormons that have hacked him on his way to hoop. Without those willing to commit flagrant fouls, he would not have been so insightful.