Mormons Like Settlers

Mormons really like games. Mormon parents pull out board games when the kids are bored—meaning during Family Home Evening and on Sundays after church. Mormon parents frequently play board games with their kids. Also, adult Mormons love to play board games with other adults: games are an adult sanctuary even when kids are around. Of course, if kids complain they are bored during adults-only games, Mormon parents will tell the kids, “Go play your own game.”

Mormons will play almost any game not sold at trashy lingerie stores. Anything that is found at a normal board game isle at the toy store is perfect for Mormon fun. There is a major exception to this—the Ouija Board. Mormons are shocked (and mortified and terrified and so on) to find that the Ouija Board is sold at normal toy stores. You see, for Mormons, the Ouija Board is not a board game. It is Satan’s blow horn.

While Mormons are thrilled to play most games, “The Game” is Settlers of Catan. For those who have not played Settlers, it is a German board game. This means it’s a pretty simple-looking game that relies heavily on strategy. The stated goal of the game is to get 10 points through a combination of building settlements and cities, amassing armies, and earning victory point cards. If it sounds like a lot, it is. And there is more too. The rule book goes on for pages. That being said, after playing just once, the game seems simple and elegant—almost intuitive. That is because the game’s complex stated purpose obscures the game’s simple real purpose: to smash your competitors. This is done through a combination of bloody-knuckled competition, hard core deal making, and exploitation of the principles of supply and demand. In other words, it is an opportunity for Mormons to try their hand at being Mitt Romney the business man—if only for an hour or so.

There are some Mormons that won’t play Settlers because it is too competitive. Mormons generally are very competitive. Still, they have been taught to at least feign sportsmanship through playing Sorry! as children. Sorry! is a game that requires you to say “sorry” when what you really mean is “neener-neener.” If someone ruins an anticipated night of Settlers by refusing to play, other adults will try to force a smile and say, “That’s okay.” Really sweet but still competitive Mormons might even say, “That is so neat that you feel that way. You are such a great person.” Roughly translated for those who don’t understand Mormons, all this taken together means “Cry me a river, you pansy. We would have crushed you anyways. Neener-neener.”

Other Mormons won’t play Settlers of Catan because previous editions of the game came in box that had on it a drawing of a woman who doesn’t seem bothered that her dress shows generous amounts of cleavage. For these Mormons—fortunately!—an entrepreneurial Mormon has purchased the rights to create a more chaste game called Settlers of Zarahemla. It is very similar game to Settlers of Catan, but to win—according to the game makers—you must rely on “savvy trading, establishing a righteous military of Stripling Warriors, or building a Temple for holy worship.” In other words, it is an opportunity for Mormons to try their hand at being Helaman the Nephite—if only for an hour or so.

Mormons may like to think that they like Settlers because the game is about pioneers taming the wilderness. Unfortunately, this has nothing to do with it. The reason Mormons like Settlers is because board game-wise, there really is not a more fun way to kick some tail.

* For readers not above mocking such things, I would recommend that you watch the Youtube commercial on the Settlers of Zarahemla’s website. If the combination of this blog post and that “commercial” don’t convince you to either play Settlers or drown your sorrows by running to the nearest Mormon Bar, nothing will.