Mormons Like the Olympics

Mormons have always had a soft spot in their hearts for the Olympics. They love competition, excellence, a bit of pomp, long parades, medals, athletes, and all that stuff. However, the Mormon appreciation of Olympics hit new levels when the International Olympic Committee chose Salt Lake City as the site of the 2002 Winter Olympics.

Given how smoothly the 2002 games went off, I am not sure how many people remember that the Salt Lake games were threatened to be marred with scandal. Apparently, the wooing of IOC delegates went a bit further than providing them local treats (like fry sauce). Rather, those securing the bid were so swept up by their enthusiasm for giving that their actions translated into what most would consider out-and-out bribes.

But, in one of Mormon culture’s finest moments, Mitt Romney—Mormon extraordinaire—was asked to take leave of his fancy Boston consulting firm and step in to save the games. He came to Utah and immediately stood out as a leader. He was not only shrewd, charismatic, and somewhat sentimental, he also sported grade-A hair and a chin that east of the Mississippi could actually qualify as a ski slope. There is no doubt in anybody’s mind—and particularly in the minds of Mormons—that Mitt worked wonders in pulling the 2002 games out of the muck.

While much has been said about the 2002 winter games, what has been grossly overlooked is a song that I wrote to honor it. This song, which in my mind is still destined to be a classic, is set to the tune of a popular Mormon Primary song—“I Love to See the Temple.” I know it is a little presumptuous, but I am holding out hopes that once it is discovered it will be added to Janice Kapp Perry’s version in the next version of the church's primary song book.

Here it goes. Ahem (I am in fact singing while writing)….

I love to see the Temple.
I saw it on TV
During the 2002 Olympics
Before the Opening Ceremony.
And when the Mo-Tab sang with Sting,
Bob Costas called it a beauty.
The World got to see Mormons aren’t just freaks
And that Mitt was a cutie.

Whew... Every time—and I do mean every time—I revisit that song, I am struck by its artistic merit. Ahhh… That is good stuff. But I cannot dwell on it. However, I certainly invite you to do so. I would love to see somebody—maybe Sting reunited with the Mormon Tabernacle Choir—singing this on MTV... or at General Conference... or at least on YouTube. No, I do not need all that. But it would be really great if I was given an honorary gold medal during the 2010 games.

So what else draws Mormons to the Olympics? (Yes, back to the point of this post...) Mormons generally enjoy any event that still has a shred of decorum to it that allows the spectators to scream out of control with excitement. By this I mean to act as if they were drunk while still remaining sober.

One may also suggest that it is because Mormons like the Olympics because they love to follow and cheer for the Mo-Lympians (i.e., the Mormon Competitors). But, this isn’t in my experience really the case. Sure there are a few Mormons who keep special tabs on the Mo-Lympians, but not that many. I have to admit that this seems particularly odd given how much Mormons like famous Mormons. So, why not follow the Mo-Lympians?

Part of the reason Mormons don't really follow Mo-Lympians is because it is only rarely that a Mormon is actually in the mix and has a real shot of bringing home a medal in an event that receives much publicity. The major exception to this of course was the dramatic win by the King of the Mo-Lympians—Rulon Gardner, a Mormon farm boy and middle school teacher from Idaho—in the 2000 Olympics when he beat that Russian wrestler known as the General that everyone figured was unstoppable. (Seriously, not even Sylvester Stallone could have engineered such a dramatic moment as that). The only thing that Gardner could have done to make it better from the Mormon perspective is if he had taken the opportunity to ask a woman to marry him on live television after his win. Barring that, he did everything he could do to secure his spot as King of the Mo-Lympians.

So, why aren’t their more Mo-Lympians? One reason might be the Shawn Bradley factor. (No, I am not talking about being a freakishly tall but still acting as more of a dunk magnet than a defender.) Rather, what I mean here is that the Mormon mission can really take it out of an athlete. Face it, missionaries do not have the time to train like an Olympic athlete would; missionaries have far too many other things going on. A second reason their are not more Mo-Lympians is because a disproportionate share of Mormon young people are married young and/or dead set on entering a profession—like dentistry—that requires years of schooling. All this adds up to other priorities. A last reason there are not more Mo-Lympians is that although Mormons are always looking for loopholes to the Word of Wisdom, that prohibition against drugs is a hard one to get around. The closest Mormons can come to juicing themselves up is overdosing on the wheat grass served at Jamba Juice.

While all of these are plausible explanations, I think that the reason that there are not more Mo-Lympians is that the Olympics has overlooked those sports that Mormons are likely to master. Imagine the gold Mormons could bring home if the Olympics finally recognized folk dancing, sign language, furniture moving, wheat grinding, fruit canning, minivan driving, goal setting, scrapbooking, water skiing, chiropractoring, casserole making, basketball hacking and meeting holding for the sports that they are. I mean seriously, can’t the people that brought the Olympics to Utah be reassembled to do some “convincing”? Mormons could get a lot of traction even if they didn’t bribe. All they would really need to do is introduce the delegates of the IOC to the wonders of fry sauce.