Mormons Like the Suburbs

Mormons like their houses to be houses of order, houses of stucco, and houses with a lot of square footage. Granted, many people like the suburbs and not all Mormons live there, but generally speaking Mormons are suburbanites. So, if you want to find a Mormon in his or her natural habitat, follow the minivans past Lowes and Chuck E Cheese to the cul-de-sacs.

Why do Mormons like the suburbs? For starters, Mormons like the suburbs because public schools are relatively good and crime is perceived to be low. It is a plus that the suburbs are also close to many of the stores Mormons love like familiar chain restaurants with good food served in large portions—for example, the Olive Garden, Café Rio, and the Cheesecake Factory. They like the exclusive clubs found in the suburbs: Costco and Sam’s Club. These are only places where Mormons bump into their friends, but also stores that sell stuff in quantities that pretty much force Mormons to buy food storage with every purchase.

Mormons also like suburban neighbors. In the suburbs, unlike urban places, you do not need to have piercings and tattoos to be hip. And, unlike many rural areas, you do not need to be truly tough to be tough. In the suburbs, people are content with guys who wear Dockers, women driving SUVs that never leave paved streets, and kids who sport Old Navy t-shirts. They like the suburbs for their relatively quiet streets and that people put out lights, nick-knacks, and decorations to mark many holidays—Christmas, Halloween, and the Fourth of July. Additionally, Mormons like having other Mormons as neighbors. So the more Mormons flock to the suburbs, the more Mormons like them.

Mormons like suburban houses because they tend to have a lot of square footage. Big houses mean that even when the kids are running rampant or a teenager is on the war path, an adult has a hope (even if it is a false one) of finding a quite place at home. Big houses also mean that Mormons will have enough room for a large pantry and perhaps even space for a craft room, which is great for quilting and scrapbooking projects. Lastly, big houses have ample wall space. This means enough room for pictures of family members, art work relating to the church, framed copies of the Proclamation on the Family, and the essential family photo.

Houses in the suburbs often include large yards. For Mormons this means space for gardens and fruit trees—both essential if one is going to take canning seriously. Additionally, big yards give the kids or grandkids space to run around without much adult supervision. From the Mormon perspective, “Go play in the back yard” is one of the most beautiful phrases in the English language.

Some people claim they do not like the suburbs because they do not like a long commute. Even if Mormons won’t admit it, many Mormons like a long commute because “commute” is a synonym for “break from both work and kids.” For some, commuting is the only quiet part of their day—despite their large yards and gobs of square footage.