Mormons Like Missionary War Stories -- Part I

Some but not all Mormons go on proselyting missions. If you were to overhear a Mormon talk about his or her time as a missionary, and if you weren't paying close attention (which might be a good idea), you might mistakenly think that he or she was detailing his or her time in Iraq. Like war stories, mission stories are told with much flare but yet grounded in an overwhelming sense that the person telling the story actually knows "how bad it is out there."

One of the common themes of missionary war stories surround awkward experiences had while knocking on doors. Given that a Mormon missionary will knock on thousands and likely tens of thousands of doors during a mission, this is not so surprising. While there are many door knocking stories worthy of repeating (some faith promoting, some bizarre, and some plain funny), perhaps the most predictable and entertaining is the story of the naked door opener. While it is possible that the person who opens the door naked is pleasing to the eyes, it is far more likely the naked door opener should not really go anywhere naked--I mean anywhere. And, yes, "anywhere" in this context does include the shower.

"So, this old man comes to the door. He has fewer teeth than fingers. Ask me how I know that. Ask me."

"Um, how do you know that?"

"The only thing he was wearing was a smile.... Whew.... I still think of that guy every time I smell feta cheese. Yeah. Those are the days that make one wish the strategically placed vase and fruit bowl existed in the real world and not just in Austin Powers movies."

The appropriate response to a missionary war story is at a minimum to shake your head in unbelief, grin and say, "Fetch!" And, maybe, if the person on the other end went on a mission as well, the most natural follow up is something along the lines of, "That reminds me of the time that my companion and I were out knocking doors and ..."