Mormons Like Settlers

Mormons really like games. Mormon parents pull out board games when the kids are bored—meaning during Family Home Evening and on Sundays after church. Mormon parents frequently play board games with their kids. Also, adult Mormons love to play board games with other adults: games are an adult sanctuary even when kids are around. Of course, if kids complain they are bored during adults-only games, Mormon parents will tell the kids, “Go play your own game.”

Mormons will play almost any game not sold at trashy lingerie stores. Anything that is found at a normal board game isle at the toy store is perfect for Mormon fun. There is a major exception to this—the Ouija Board. Mormons are shocked (and mortified and terrified and so on) to find that the Ouija Board is sold at normal toy stores. You see, for Mormons, the Ouija Board is not a board game. It is Satan’s blow horn.

While Mormons are thrilled to play most games, “The Game” is Settlers of Catan. For those who have not played Settlers, it is a German board game. This means it’s a pretty simple-looking game that relies heavily on strategy. The stated goal of the game is to get 10 points through a combination of building settlements and cities, amassing armies, and earning victory point cards. If it sounds like a lot, it is. And there is more too. The rule book goes on for pages. That being said, after playing just once, the game seems simple and elegant—almost intuitive. That is because the game’s complex stated purpose obscures the game’s simple real purpose: to smash your competitors. This is done through a combination of bloody-knuckled competition, hard core deal making, and exploitation of the principles of supply and demand. In other words, it is an opportunity for Mormons to try their hand at being Mitt Romney the business man—if only for an hour or so.

There are some Mormons that won’t play Settlers because it is too competitive. Mormons generally are very competitive. Still, they have been taught to at least feign sportsmanship through playing Sorry! as children. Sorry! is a game that requires you to say “sorry” when what you really mean is “neener-neener.” If someone ruins an anticipated night of Settlers by refusing to play, other adults will try to force a smile and say, “That’s okay.” Really sweet but still competitive Mormons might even say, “That is so neat that you feel that way. You are such a great person.” Roughly translated for those who don’t understand Mormons, all this taken together means “Cry me a river, you pansy. We would have crushed you anyways. Neener-neener.”

Other Mormons won’t play Settlers of Catan because previous editions of the game came in box that had on it a drawing of a woman who doesn’t seem bothered that her dress shows generous amounts of cleavage. For these Mormons—fortunately!—an entrepreneurial Mormon has purchased the rights to create a more chaste game called Settlers of Zarahemla. It is very similar game to Settlers of Catan, but to win—according to the game makers—you must rely on “savvy trading, establishing a righteous military of Stripling Warriors, or building a Temple for holy worship.” In other words, it is an opportunity for Mormons to try their hand at being Helaman the Nephite—if only for an hour or so.

Mormons may like to think that they like Settlers because the game is about pioneers taming the wilderness. Unfortunately, this has nothing to do with it. The reason Mormons like Settlers is because board game-wise, there really is not a more fun way to kick some tail.

* For readers not above mocking such things, I would recommend that you watch the Youtube commercial on the Settlers of Zarahemla’s website. If the combination of this blog post and that “commercial” don’t convince you to either play Settlers or drown your sorrows by running to the nearest Mormon Bar, nothing will.

Mormons Like Teaching Children Sign Language

If you ever get the chance to attend Mormon Primary or even better the annual Primary Program, you are certain to see kids doing sign language. You might think, “How nice. It is great to see Mormons trying to accommodate the deaf person in the Ward.” Good point, but chances are that there is not a deaf person in the Ward. No, more likely if anyone in the congregation knows sign language, they just learned it as children. Why? The congregation is full of Mormons, and Mormons like to teach children sign language.

So, if you ever get the chance to ask a Mormon if Mormons like sign language, don’t be too surprised if the Mormon responds with a nodding fist—the sign for “yes.”

For most Mormons, they first begin to sign in Primary. For some Mormons, this is the extent of their exposure. For other Mormons, it is only a beginning. If a Mormon’s Primary singing time experience is a normal one, he or she will learn to sign a song or two each year. Mormons may think this is just something that their Ward does. But, it is not. It is as typical as the green hymn books found in pews.

What could be behind the desire for Mormons to teach children sign language? It is hard to tell. At the most basic level, it can be seen as a way to help the children learn the songs or a pathway toward Primary crowd control.

Yet, it just can’t be that. Mormons have devised a myriad ways to do just those things—most of which kids like better. Primary singing time in most wards is a complex science of pictures, puppets, games … the whole gambit. Sign language just does not add all that much.

What else could it be? Perhaps sign language is held in such esteem because it allows Mormon children to talk without making noise. Particularly in church, Mormons like quiet children. This is why Mormons make quiet books, lug kids out into the hall, and even bring baby heroin (aka Goldfish Crackers) to church.

But quiet children and singing time really don’t go together. Yeah sure, Mormons resort to an occasional “one, two, three, eyes on me” during singing time. I am not saying you will never witness a “if you hear me touch your ears” whisper. But, this is mainly just to grab the children’s attention so that they will sing. Truth be told, singing time is the only time during church the kids are actively encouraged—even pressured in the case of the older boys—to be louder, not quieter. After all, Mormons love singing.

If I had to guess why Mormons teach Mormon children sign language, it is because Mormons like smart children. Signing is not only cute, but it is seems somewhat heady, particularly for the little kids. “Oh, did you see little Ezekiel do those signs?!” Sister Johnson will shriek. So, I am not sure what the signing is all about. But if I had to guess, I would say that it has more to do with mom and dad than their LeNette.

Recently, we have seen a trend for Mormons to not only teach their kids how to sign but also their babies. I am talking about kids six, seven, eight months old. Some Mormons claim that they want to know what their babies want. But if you ask, most Mormons will tell you their kid just asks for stuff to eat or says, “No!” when the parents put him or her to bed. I don’t know. To me it seems ignorance may indeed be bliss.

So, while I simply have no explanation for what this is all about, as I look at these babies signing, I have little doubt that we are about to see the greatest generation of signers the church has ever known.

Mormons Don’t Like to be Shocked

Periodically tragedy strikes. Mormons—like virtually everyone—may be overcome by such situations. At one time or another, we all have to deal with loss. Recently Mormon Beehives and Mia Maids have felt the loss of David Archuleta coming up short in American Idol. Many Mormons felt the same way when Mitt Romney dramatically ended his aggressive run for the Presidency—at least until he began his aggressive run for the Vice Presidency.

Sometimes Mormons will express their shock over things, however, that do not seem all that shocking—the length of shorts worn by young people or the volume of the neighbor’s music. This sort of shock is qualitatively different from the shock that comes from a surprising and disappointing life event. It is better to think of this shock not as shock but rather as a socially acceptable way for Mormons to publicly condemn others. When Mormons express short of “shock,” Mormons want you to hear “I’m not judging, just telling you how I feel.”

There is a small subset of Mormons who are prone to write editorials that express shock and disapproval. In addition to being shocked, these Mormons may be saddened, appalled, and disappointed as they publicly blast someone or something. For example, in the Deseret News one editorial writer recently explained, “I feel disappointed over JC Penney’s ‘Victoria's Secret’ style television spots for lingerie.” Regardless of what one thinks of the particular opinion expressed, I hope we all can agree that if one were to want to buy lingerie, the place to shop would probably not be a place that sells Cuisinarts.

For Mormons looking to bust out an editorial or other public condemnation in the near future, the most useful advice I have found comes from a very astute reader of the Daily Universe (aka the Paper) in an editorial entitled “Editorial Mad Lib.” An edited and modified form is included immediately below:

The other day while _______(action), I was (shocked, appalled, mortified, disgusted, disappointed, offended, or other verb that suggests moral disapproavel--choose one or more) at the blatant disregard for _______(moral principal) exhibited by _______ (person, group, or organization). (Specifically describe what offends you).

(Optional paragraph one) By _______(describe remediating action), we will ________(positive result). If not, we all will end up (choose one:a) in/at ________(unpleasant place) (or b) like __________ (unpleasant person or group).

(Optional paragraph two: add some self righteous comment -- limited to a sentence or two.)

To illustrate how this works, I want to bring up another editorial found in the Paper recently that I found shocking. On May 8, a reader of the Paper wrote as follows:

“Is it just me, or does it seem (to anyone else of the male gender) that as soon as spring starts rolling around and the trees start budding and the flowers start blooming, that something else very exciting happens: beautiful women start popping up all over the place like flowers coming out of the ground.”

“I have taken a small survey among men (a convenience sample for all you stats people out there) and found the general consensus to be in the affirmative. We as single, women-seeking men have been on the hunt (since it is openseason) all winter long only to come up empty handed. Fortunately for us, sometime around April every year, good-looking single women start coming out of the woodwork like you wouldn’t believe!”

“Where they've been all winter no one knows. One hypothesis is that the cold temperatures have caused them to migrate south with the birds to warmer places like Las Vegas, San Diego or maybe Phoenix. The important thing is they’re back! What I want to know is in what cave do all these pretty girls hibernate during the winter and how can we get access to it next winter?”

Here is my response:

The other day while wasting time on the Daily Universe’s website, I was mortified to discover the blatant disregard for mercy exhibited by females at BYU. An editorial in the Paper revealed that some female BYU co-eds were hibernating in caves during the winter and thereby driving women-seeking men insane.

Now that these women have come out of the woodwork, they should stay there, so we can spare others from going crazy and writing desperate editorials in the Paper. If not, we all will end up seeing more of these men forced to put on the moves during BYU ballroom dance classes.

I hope females at BYU will show the charity expected of them and refrain from going back into the cave once fall arrives.

* If the reader has a beef with this blog or anything else, I invite the reader to leave comments to this post using the Mad Lib Editorial format.

Mormons Like Bars – Loopholes to the Word of Wisdom (Part I)

Ask a Mormon, “Do you like bars?” Most Mormons would probably respond in one of three ways: (1) “No, alcohol is against my religion”; (2) “Heck no!”; or, (3) “Why would you think that?! ... Please don’t tell my wife!”

Regardless of what Mormons say, you should know Mormons love bars.

Go to any Ward Party and you will find ample evidence of this. Besides all the casseroles, jell-o salads, and dentists, you will find bars. “Where?” you may ask. Let me point you in the right direction by asking a few questions. “Do Mormons like Lemon bars?” Love them. “Brownies?” As Kool-Aid Man once wisely put it, “Oh, Yeah!” Layered bars like Hello Dollys? Honestly, I know a Mormon who calls these “Hello Satan” yet still eats them by the pan.

Sure there are things that Mormons won’t drink or smoke, but that does not mean that Mormons will deprive their taste buds. Now, Mormons will tell you, “The Word of Wisdom is kind of like a health code.” Well, it kind of is.... It is at least in the sense that "code" can mean "puzzle" or "riddle." To crack the "health code," a Mormon needs to find a way to live by the rules without compromising happiness at dinner time. The key to doing that is for Mormons to find loopholes in the Word of Wisdom. So, unfortunately, T-shirts that say things like “Eat, Drink, and Be Merry for Tomorrow We Will Be in Utah” only misinform.

Is it a bad thing that Mormons like Mormon bars? No, I don’t think so. Let’s be honest. It is already asking quite a bit, for example, to expect Mormons to both attend Ward activities and also enjoy them. If these activities didn’t provide Mormons an opportunity to eat Mormon bars, at least for some activities (i.e., the Ward talent show), it comes close to asking the impossible.

Mormons Like David Archuleta

With Brooke White gone, David Archuleta is the lone Mormon contestant on American Idol. Mormons like David. Young Mormon girls love David. But still, Mormons miss Brooke White. While David may be a stronger American Idol competitor, David just doesn’t set off the Mo-dar like Brooke did. Mo-dar—for those who are unfamiliar—is the vibe a person gives off then they are a Mormon. I explained this more fully in a previous post about Brooke.

While it is now widely reported that David Archuleta is a Mormon, I personally wouldn’t have pegged him as a Mormon. My Mo-dar was telling me that he was probably a Faux Mo. For those not familiar with the term, a Faux Mo is someone that could culturally pass for a Mormon even though they are not. Put another way, culturally they are more or less Mormons—even though religiously they are not. Most Faux Mos have lived among Mormons. Some have not and are just naturally inclined to be culturally Mormon even though they may not even know it.

What has the Mo-dar told us about David? He is from Utah. That alone is worth a fairly substantial Mo-dar bleep. But, for me, that about sums it up. Don’t get me wrong. He seems to be a good kid. Some will go so far to say he is innocent, humble, and even angelic. There is little denying that if a mad scientist were to cross Richard Marx and Beaver Cleaver, what we would get is David Archuleta. (If it were possible to create a person in such a way, from what I have heard, I would not put it past his dad to try.) But quite honestly, being a sweet ballad singer does not do much for the Mo-dar, particularly if the subject at hand is a teenage boy.

Mormon teenage boys generally come off as one of several types, none of which characterize David very well. First, we have the Mormon Scout. While David may embody some of the values the Boy Scouts wishes to instill, he does not strike me as a Mormon Scout. To me, he seems to lack a sufficient commitment to silliness and love of flatulence to really qualify as a Mormon Scout. You have to know that in earlier shows at least one of the contestants had to cut the cheese on stage. Come on … It is impossible to think otherwise. This would have put the Mormon Scout into hysterics and most likely opened the door for some comedic body language that left no doubt somebody let one. Plus, I cannot imagine David flaming a blue dart, can you? A Mormon Scout … I don’t think so.

Second, some Mormon teenage boys come off as what is known as the Cocky Little Fetcher. This type of Mormon teenage boy is not much different from many other teenage boys. However, among the Mormons, this type of teenage boy will try to impress the ladies by relying on excessive use of “F-that,” “Fetch Dude,” or “No flippin’ way.”. They may use stronger language when adults are not around. These Mormons have a bit of attitude and think that they are all bad. David does not have enough of an edge to be a Cocky Little Fetcher. When the other boys act up, I can only imagine him looking uncomfortable and maybe saying, “Gosh.”

Third, we have the Socially Awkward Mormon Boy. This is a teenager than wants to be a Mormon Scout or a Cocky Little Fetcher but for some reason doesn’t cut it. These Mormon boys tend to alternate between bragging about what Napoleon Dynamite referred to as “skills” that others consider irrelevant (you know, like nunchuck skills, bow hunting skills, computer hacking skills... ) and floundering as they try and fail to conform to social norms. And let’s face it, because Mormon culture puts a real premium on distinguishing yourself—rather than separating yourself—from the crowd, it is often a pretty difficult to be a Socially Awkward Mormon Boy. Looking at David, he seems to be the kind of person that would try to include the Socially Awkward Mormon Boy rather than being one himself. Additionally, nobody can question his social skills are great, even if he is shy. After all, he can fluently converse with Paula Abdul, who seems to flaunt the Mr. Bennett Rule every episode (being unable to prove that she has spent ten minutes that day in a rational manner).

While it is by no means impossible for a Mormon teenage boy to be like David, he is certainly the exception and not the rule. So, my Mo-dar would have pegged him as a Faux Mo. However, it is clear that I was completely and utterly wrong, and I admit that.

Mormons like Sentimental Poetry with Meter and Rhyme

When Mormon General Authorities speak, they often sound like they are reciting iambic pentameter. This is known as General Authority cadence. It’s unclear how long Mormons have fostered General Authority cadence, but President Thomas S. Monson—the church’s current President—has really mastered it.

Given that Mormons can sound as if they were reciting poetry when they are just telling stories about, for example, how they visited ailing widows in the Sixty-Seventh Ward, you can imagine what happens when Mormons actually recite poems. As the scouts will tell you, “Be prepared.” When Mormons recite poetry, Mormons take their cues from the poems General Authorities recite. This means you will not hear e.e. cummings, Sylvia Plath, or even Dr. Seuss. I would not recommend holding your breath waiting for a limerick or a haiku. No, when a Mormon takes to reciting poetry, it is much more likely that it will be poetry that would work well in a Hallmark card, flag raising ceremony, or a eulogy—something channeling the voice of Robert Frost and loaded with meter, sentiment, and rhyme.

Particularly when General Authorities recite such poetry, they will often reference the poem’s grandeur. It is the “classic poem,” the “well known poem,” or the “best loved poem.” There is only a slight chance after this lofty introduction that Mormons will recognize the poem. I grant possible exceptions for a couple of classic Robert Frost poems, the well known “Footprints,” and the best loved “The Old Violin.” Much more often, however, everyone in earshot will hear this classic, well known, and best loved poem not only for the first but also for the last time.

Because it is Mother’s Day tomorrow, I figured that it was only appropriate to pay respects to the Mormon mother. Yes, I know that many Mormons who have been asked to speak in church tomorrow are right now searching the Internet looking for that special poem celebrating mothers. While there are many gems to choose from, I have modified the much celebrated poem, “The Name of Mother.” To get the full effect, imagine a recitation in the cadence of a favorite General Authority and the introduction of this best loved poem:

The Name of Mormon Mother

The noblest bob your hair can claim,
The tastiest roast beef your kitchen tames,
Your children have the cutest names,
Won’t you consider having others?

You give me a quiet book when church is lame,
Your funeral potatoes win much acclaim,
You taught me to love board games—
Though you still confuse me with brother.

Did the Bishop just call your name,
To ask the Ward to please sustain?
Are you smiling or are you in pain,
Now that you are den mother?

The minivan in which you came,
Other Mormons drove the same,
We know father drives you insane—
The blessed Mormon mother.

I know that this poem isn’t much, but please, keep it in the mix if you are looking for classic poem about mothers. I know there are a lot of well known poems out there. But honestly, of all the poems I have written today, it is certainly the best loved poem I wrote.

Regardless, I hope those who claim Mothers Day as a holiday for themselves have a great one. If nothing else, may family members give you a coupon book that promises the performance of tasks already expected of them—a child to clean his room or a husband to watch the kids. Anyways, have a happy Mothers Day.

At least in principle, Mormons like Sportsmanship.

From the time most Mormons are children, they hear other Mormons tell them to play fair—to be a good sport. More specifically, this is what Mormon children hear on the minivan ride to and from their sporting events. During the event, however, what Mormon children hear is quite different.

In the heat of action, Mormon parents wildly cheer their children on or nag them relentlessly—not based on sportsmanship but rather winning and losing. Mormon parents are often guilty at yelling—and even insulting—the referee from the sideline. "Ref., are you friggin’ blind?! That big oaf is clobbering them." When the chips are on the table, Mormons desire to see their kids be good at sports much more than be good sports.

As Mormons know, poor sportsmanship is not only exhibited by Mormon kids and cheering parents. What I am talking about here specifically (as Mormons would have already guessed) is church basketball. For those unfamiliar with church ball, it is competitive basketball mainly for Mormons that fit into two groups: "has beens" and "wished they'd beens." Even more fundamentally, church ball is where we find members extending the hand of fellowship right into the grill of an opposing player.

Recently, the Mormon church has announced that the church is thinking about cracking down on bad sportsmanship at church basketball games. This comes as quite a shock to Mormons who have participated in church basketball. This is not merely tinkering with the game. Oh no, to the contrary, it is like changing the rules of baseball by banning gloves, balls, and bats and instead requiring players to move around the bases by dancing to the Macarena and while dressed as circus performers.

So, what can be done about bad sportsmanship at church ball games? We might imagine some sort of punishment. Maybe the church could ask Danny Ainge—a Mormon and former great NBA basketball player—to bite those who get out of control. That is how Danny got Tree Rollins to calm down during the 1980s playoffs. But, no … pain won't work. If pain were an issue, they wouldn't participate in church ball in the first place. Furthermore, Mormons have a high pain tolerance. They have learned to endure by bearing the weight of ward talent shows and pioneer treks.

Rumors had it that the church was actually thinking about giving Jell-o Jigglers to those who followed the rules. Yet, in the end, it is obvious why this would never work. You cannot bribe Mormons with something they had gobs of in the refrigerator at home.

So, what is the church contemplating? Simply put, the church is going right for the jugular: docking points for bad sportsmanship. This binds what traditionally has been a conflicted: the desire to win and to show good sportsmanship.

The only questions regarding this scheme seem to relate to how this will impact the Mormon psyche. What will happen to Mormons who try to bottle up their fiercely competitive nature? We might expect to see even more Mormons drawn to business and law. "Take it out in the courthouse, not on the court boys." Even more troubling, however, is what do about all those Mormons who use church ball as an outlet for anger—or even the desire to inflict senseless pain? It is hard to say, but most likely it will lead more Mormons to become dentists.

* I would like to thank a good friend in New Orleans for all of his help with this post. I also thank all the Mormons that have hacked him on his way to hoop. Without those willing to commit flagrant fouls, he would not have been so insightful.

Mormons like the F-words.

If you ever hear a Mormon gripe “my freakin' day planner is ruined,” you might just be witnessing a Mormon tirade. So, sit back and enjoy. The same is true if a Mormon throws up her hands and belts out something about losing the “frickin’ keys to the minivan,” or if a Mormon shakes his head and complains about some “friggin’ lunatic driver in the parking lot at R.C. Willey.” You should also know that when a Mormon demands to know “who ate the last flippin’ piece of the jello,” you should probably watch your step. Mormons have so many f-words from which to choose, sometimes a Mormon will leave it to your imagination which one the Mormon would have chosen. In such cases, the Mormon will simply say the letter “F” and nothing more. More often than not, when Mormons use these f-words, they are pretty upset.

Still some Mormons, particularly younger Mormons, resort to their f-words even if they are not mad. You might hear a Mormon say something like “Fetch, dude!” This might sound like a meaningless throw away line, but it’s really not. Roughly translated, and as far as I can tell, this is the Mormon way of saying something along the lines of “Fetch, dude!” Further, it is not uncommon to hear a Mormon teenage boy drop an occasional “no freakin’ way!” to impress the Mormon ladies.

Still, Mormons are taught to watch their tongues. They learn from observation that the only time you can say truly naughty words is when quoting J. Golden Kimball.

You may ask, are all f-words Mormon swear words? Come on! Are you kidding? What about family night? What about folk dancing? What about frickin' fry sauce?! If you mess with any of these, you better believe that you will get a friggin’ earful because Mormons won’t freakin’ stand by and hear some fetcher flippin’ trashing any of these. F!