Mormons Like Mormon Wedding Receptions

If you ever get invited to a Mormon wedding, don't get too excited. In many cultures a wedding invitation is a signal of intimate friendship. In Mormon culture, a wedding invitation is a signal that the family would have a remote idea of who you are if they saw you at Target and that the betrothed couple think you are good for a waffle iron. (In fact, if the couple actually found out you were at Target, they might wonder if that was because the invitation included a card that told you that they had registered for gifts at Target.) Fortunately, the invitation the big to-do will most likely have at least one picture of the happy couple; this should help you recognize the couple if indeed you have no idea who they are.

Now I should be clear, getting a Mormon wedding invitation does not mean you will actually attend the Mormon wedding ceremony. In fact, because many Mormons get married in the Mormon Temple, a Mormon wedding invitation is only an invitation to a Mormon wedding reception.

So, what should you expect at the reception? In most cases, Mormons hold their receptions at local Mormon church--and more particularly in the Mormon "cultural hall," which is a Mormon way of saying "gymnasium." Mormons will decorate the place until you can hardly recognize it and can only can shoot a three pointer if you can get through a lot of streamers. The church is always happy to allow couples to use the gym. If for no other reason, this will mean less blood shed due to postponed church basketball games.

At the receptions, you can count on standing in a long line to talk to the lucky couple. There are two reasons for this. First, as mentioned, Mormons invite tons of people to wedding receptions. And, second, the wedding line is almost always plagued by a bottlenecker--someone that can't manage to shut the pie hole long enough to allow for the regular movement of people. At the end of the line, you might find a bridesmaid, flower girl, or some other person with a somewhat tenuous connection to the bride and groom. This poor soul will have to make small talk all night all the time wondering things like, "who are these people?" and "why did I agree to do this?"

You should expect to sign a book documenting your appearance at the reception. More and more, these books are scrapbooks. In such case, your signature alone will not do. You have to find something clever, cute, or gushy to say as well. In determining what to write, you may want to take cues from pictures pasted in to the scrapbook. Or, you might want to just take one extra look at the pictures just so you actually recognize the bride and groom when you meet them.

You very well may see a Mormon wedding video. This is like a Mormon scrapbook but set to music like "From This Moment." The theme of the video pictures of the bride and groom fading in and fading out. If you watch the video too long (more than thirty seconds), you will find yourself fading in and fading out too.

You also should not be too disappointed if after standing in the line, you get what seem somewhat cheap refreshments as compared to wedding parties put on in other cultures. The main reason for this is that if you invite everyone in the freaking world, even modest treats become exorbitantly expensive. Typical treats include mint brownies (a form of Mormon Bars) or a small cheese cake, little ham sandwiches, and maybe a nice sherbet-Sprite drink. If there is a real spread, you might even see a chocolate fountain.

Some things are just to be expected. You will very likely see a bride in a more-modest-than-most wedding dress. The same is true of the bridesmaids dresses. More than likely than not you will see a car--or a minivan--decorated with shaving cream.

Finally, you might expect to see a napkin embossed with the words "Today [insert the name of the Bride] Married Her Best Friend." What is often clear to everyone but the Bride is that "Tomorrow [insert the name of the Bride] Won't Be Able to Get That Slob Off of the Couch."

That being said, you should note that you will never see a napkin embossed with "Today [insert the name of the Groom] Married His Best Friend." That is because, as everyone knows dogs are man's best fiends, and Mormons do not believe in marriage other than that between a man a woman. So, marriage between man and a dog just wouldn't do.

Mormons Like Singing (Part II)

Mormons like singing, but when it comes to Mormon teenagers, the love is strained. Remember for Mormon children, singing time is often the highpoint of church meetings (granted a low standard). And, as adults, the rest hymn is just that—a welcome respite. But for teenage Mormons—particularly teenage boys—singing just isn’t all that.

Mormon teenagers still sing, just not like they did as children or as they will as adults. Mormon teens will sing at concerts, perhaps in the shower or in the car. And, Mormons are much more likely to sing in their school choir or play a part in a school musical production. A few sing in bands. We can’t all be Osmonds, but still many Mormons will give Karaoke a go now and then.

Mormons boys, even if they sing outside of church, don’t like to sing in church settings. Mormons girls will still sing in church settings but it is sometime somewhat painful for no other reason than they often feel a bit insecure—not unlike many teenage girls. Still, it is almost a given sometime during the year all the teen age girls in a Mormon congregation will sing during a sacrament meeting. It is not uncommon to have one or two girls in the Ward Choir either.

But for teenage girls, the high point of singing experience comes at girl’s camp. At girls camp girls sing every day. Sometimes they will even be accompanied by a guitar, which is a rarity for Mormons. (For some reason, church leaders have asked congregations not to play guitars during musical numbers at church.) They sing songs the celebrate womanhood and spirituality like the Value Songs, Walk Tall, Pass It On, and anything by Janice Kapp Perry. By the end of the camp, the Mormon girls are singing, perhaps teary-eyed or even crying—very similar to how Brooke White was all last season on American Idol and not that much unlike how Utah Jazz owner Larry H. Miller acts whenever he holds a press conference to talk about his team.

Mormon boys go to camp too, but for the teenage boy, they just don’t sing at camp unless the first line starts out something like “On top of the toilet….” That is not to say that they don’t make interesting noises. These noises, however, are predictable for teenage boy and yet still disgusting. It is not uncommon for these sounds—at their high point—to be the vehicle for a blue dart.

Mormon teens used to sing a lot more in church settings than the modern Mormon teen. The most obvious reason for this is the apparent death of the Mormon road show. Road shows—for those not familiar with the production—was sort of like a musical. I say “sort of” because the music was almost always created by a ward member and sung by the ward’s youth. So despite hard work, it sometimes really didn’t qualify as music. The road show, however, did not hang its hat entirely on music. No, as bad as the music may have been, the acting was worse, and the script even worse yet. Usually, a ward’s youth would perform for its own congregation—or at least for everyone that could be convinced to sit through it. Afterwards, Mormon wards would literally take their show on the road and perform for another ward or two, which allowed a larger group of people to understand the depths that other wards had stooped. But, the road show is a thing of the past. And just as in real road shows, the chances of an encore unfortunately approach zero.

Another essential building block of the Mormons teen of the past came in what was known as the Missionary Farewell. A few years back, church leadership decided that missionary farewells and homecomings had gotten out of control. They had too. They were extravagant productions that put Mormon Missionaries on quite the pedestal. In most cases, these Mormons (at least in the case of Mormon guys) were doing blue darts a few months earlier.

The death of the Missionary Farewell struck some a lot harder than others. One group particularly took it hard—the Mormon Pop artist. Mormon pop artists are people that sing pop sounding songs about gospel topics. While the Mormon Pop artist may sound like a reverent lounge singer, the way Mormon Pop was spread was mainly through Missionary Farewells. The day the Farewell music died was clearly Mormon Pop “artist” Michael McLean’s darkest hour. While I am not certain, my hunch is that he was curled up in the fetal position mumbling over and over: “I’m not alone; say it one more time, I’m not alone.” It is no wonder that shortly after this decision, McLean put out an album with the telling title “The Forgotten Carols.”

How do Mormons snap out of their disdain for singing in church settings. It comes in the Missionary Training Center. Before this, most of them would rather take a beating than sing in a church setting. (This is why I explained earlier that David Archuleta—who loves singing cheesy songs—is somewhat of a Mormon freak of nature.) The routine of the MTC is so grinding that singing church music actually starts to sound appealing. When the Mormon teenage missionaries start singing, the bliss associated with singing from childhood comes rushing back to them. They remember that Mormons like singing. Singing is a break.

* As a public service, I do note—but first Mormons please sit down in a place that it would be safe if you fainted due to sheer happiness—that as part of Utah’s celebration of its state holiday—Pioneer Day—that the Osmonds are going to get together and sing with the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. Wow!

Mormons Like Facial Hair

Have you ever wondered why all the guys on Mormon missions grow beards or why all the men with leadership positions in the Mormon church sport facial hair? If you have spent time trying to unravel these mysteries, rest assured that you have wasted time in addition to the time you have spent on this blog.

Only a small fraction of Mormon men have beards, mustaches, goatees, side burns, scruff, lamp chops, handle bars, soul patches, fu-manchus, chin straps, creep staches, or even random hairs growing on their moles.

Does Mormon culture have a place for facial hair? Of course it does. However, it just has to be done right for Mormons tolerate it.

If your facial hair is ear hair or nose hair, you are fine... unsightly but fine.

Mormon prophets and general authorities can wear facial hair... but only under the condition that their time of service was prior to David O. McKay's time as a prophet. Come on, let’s face it: Joseph F. Smith could have had a bird’s nest in his beard and people wouldn't have noticed.

In most cases, pictures of men in the Bible can have facial hair. A major exception to this, of course, are pictures of Adam in the Garden of Eden. In the paradisaical state, Mormons are pretty much in agreement that men should have not have facial hair. Facial hair only came about as a result of the Fall along with the weeds and thorns.

Pictures of men in the Book of Mormon can have facial hair so long as they have really long beards--like the one often given to Abinadi--or they are Book of Mormon bad guys.

More recently--and rightfully so--some Mormon artistic renditions have given many of the men in scriptures a beard trim. And let's face it, a trim for some of these guys is thousands of years overdue.

Under the following conditions, it is perfectly fine for people to have facial hair in modern church. If, for example, someone is the Secretary of the Sunday School Presidency, facial hair is fine. After all, members on the fringe are given a free pass: a beard is better than leaving the church. If you want to avoid being called as Bishop, growing a beard is not a bad idea. So remember this helpful rhyme: a beard along with a mullet very well may be a silver bullet.

If you are someone investigating the church, again facial hair is fine. Shaving will come in time.

If you are bald, you might be able to get away with facial hair. People understand the need to compensate.

If you are (1) old and (2) a woman, facial hair will be overlooked. But, to be frank, waxing might not be the worst idea in the world.

If you are preparing for a pageant or a pioneer trek, facial hair is even appreciated. Nonetheless, feel free to apologize over the pulpit.

If you just came home from scout camp or from hunting, you have a twelve hour grace period to shave.

If you are going to be in a musical, facial hair is fine so long as it is part of the costume. If you are in a musical like “The Fiddler on the Roof” or “Joseph and the Technicolor Dream Coat”, you have a free pass. After all, Mormons love singing. However, you should note that if the musical is “Miss Saigon” or “Rent,” perhaps you ought to keep that to yourself.

Lastly, if you qualified for a beard card while at BYU—which means you have a medical reason to wear a beard—people will let facial hair slide for two reasons. First, Mormons believe that you will be judged by the intentions of your heart. They understand that some things are just out of your control. Second, whatever the medical condition is that actually justified a beard, well… people just don’t want to look at that.

Mormons Like Pageants

The Deseret News recently announced that the season for Mormon pageants is officially under way.

If a Mormon asks you to go to a pageant, you should know what you're getting into. You might think, "A bunch of Mormon bombshells walking around in modest one-piece swimsuits... You're kidding, right?" Or, You might wonder if you can sit through an uncomfortable question-answer session when a pageant contestant really steps in it. For example, you might imagine that a pageant contestant has to answer like the following: "What should be done about the fact that in the United States one out of five members of the Mormon church cannot find Utah on the map?" To which you might expect an answer along these lines: "I personally believe that U.S. Mormons are unable to do so because ... some people out there ... in our church... don't have maps in the back of their scriptures. And I believe that our education... like such as primary, and the mutual, everywhere like, such as, and I believe... that they should, our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S. members. This will help the members help South Africa. It should help the Iraq and the Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future... for our children. Such as."

Before you stew too much more about what you will see at a Mormon pageant, you should know that if you are thinking along these lines at all, you have no idea what you are getting yourself into. Simply put, Mormon pageants are not the venue for selecting the Dairy Princess or Miss Santaquin.

No. If you are going to a Mormon pageant, you are much more likely to see a white guy acting like a character out of the Book of Mormon or a bunch of middle-aged people pretending to be Mormon pioneers. The purpose of the Mormon Pageant is not to select the beauty queen. Rather, a Mormon Pageant allows those watching the pageant to learn about the gospel or church history. For example, the Manti Miracle Pageant, which started this week, tells audiences a bit about the Book of Mormon, the roots of the Mormon church, and a little about the Mormon pioneers. If it sounds like a lot, it is. That is why people bring plenty of food and why kids often bring sleeping bags and why adults wish they had brought a sleeping bag. It is a real ordeal. If you go, you should be prepared for your butt to get sore unless you bring a really comfortable lawn chair. This pageant is not very different in its approach to the other major pageants. They all seem to focus on either gospel topics (e.g., the Easter Pageant in Mesa or the Temple Pageant in Oakland) or church history (e.g., the Nauvoo Pageant and the Hill Cumorah Pageant).

While these pageants seem to hit many of the most important touchstones of Mormon faith and history, what is notably absent from these pageants are the touchstones of Mormon culture. The good book says (and the Byrds have reconfirmed it) that there is a season for everything under Heaven. Is there a season for a Mormon cultural pageant? I hope so. It would be hard to bear the fact that I had somehow missed seeing a pageant that had the potential of talking addressing such important topics as Mormons and their love for multi-level marketing, minivans, and fry sauce. Imagine the BYU Meat Market Pageant, where we get to hear pick up lines that incorporate references to the scriptures. Imagine the Ward Potluck Pageant where actors swap Jell-O salad recipes. I would love to see the Republican Convention Pageant where Mormons from the Utah Delegation serenade a character dressed as Mitt Romney's perfect hair. Such as.

Mormons Like Moisture

Summer is coming and, if history is any predictor, in many places so are droughts. Mormon history—particularly that history that takes place in the arid Western United States—is loaded with stories of drought, full of suffering and ultimately copious precipitation. You might think, sure they end with precipitation, otherwise the drought would have killed off any potential tellers of these stories. Along the same lines, you might also wonder if a tree fell in the woods and nobody was around to hear it, whether it would make a sound. If this is the case, I might suggest that you think too much to really enjoy this blog. Additionally, you seriously underestimate the power of Mormon food storage.

Regardless, whenever there are droughts or even threats of droughts or even threats that the air conditioner will be set at any temperature hotter than 75 degrees Fahrenheit, you will be sure to hear Mormons praying for “moisture.” Moisture is what can heal the famine in the land. Mormons rarely say "moisture" in other contexts. That is because "moisture" is a reverent word—meaning a word used when praying, bearing testimony, or doing other spiritual things. You might not buy this, but I mean it with every fiber of my being. Granted, there are a few exceptions to this. Mormons may say "moisture" when the subject at hand is the texture of a Mormon bar, the state of a cleaning rag, or even a side effect of an ailment inflicting the groin area. The latter of course is only really used in conversations with a medical professional.

"Rain" is a fine word for casual conversation but is only a reverent word when what is meant is a torrential downpour that lasts for forty days and forty nights. In times of excessive dryness, "rain," "showers," "a pleasant but steady drizzle," and even, and perhaps particularly, "Heaven's sprinklers" have no place in Mormon prayers. No, when Mormons pray for precipitation, Mormons will ask for moisture.

As some of you may know, all of this—at least all of this that isn't complete nonsense—has been said before in a now defunct online newspaper that went by the name of "The Sugar Beet.”

Because this week is a busy week for yours truly, I give you the reader a gift of a flash from The Sugar Beet's past:

Sugar Beet Headline: Man Chastised for Improper Precipitation Reference in Prayer

By Rod Miller

CENTERVILLE, UT The good standing of Leon Christensen, 51, of the Parrish Lane 14th Ward, appears uncertain following a benediction-related incident in sacrament meeting last Sunday.

Christensen, a convert and a ward member since 1997, expressed his thanks during the closing prayer for recent precipitation. “We thank Thee,” he said, “for the abundant rains we received these past weeks and for the blanket of snow that now covers Thy majestic mountain peaks.”

“I’ve never heard the like in all my 87 years in the Lord’s church,” said Asa Broadwater, lifelong resident and former Sunday school superintendent. “There are certain standards we’re expected to uphold, and Christensen’s conduct flies in the face of it,” Broadwater continued, leaving out the “Brother” he typically includes when referring to fellow priesthood holders.

“Rain?” blustered Althea Loudermilk, Young Women president. “Snow? Everyone knows” or ought to “that ‘moisture’ is the proper term in prayer! Moisture, plain and simple! That’s the language the Lord has specified.”

Loudermilk conceded that Christensen is a convert. “But still, we can’t allow our youth to be compromised by exposure to such lax standards,” she said. “Brother Christensen has offended many, and I expect to hear an apology from the pulpit come next fast and testimony meeting.”

Following his benediction, Christensen was immediately escorted into the bishop’s office, where he was presumably reproved with sharpness and taught the correct order of prayer. Neither the bishop nor his counselors would comment, citing confidentiality. The second counselor was overheard, however, assuring irate ward members that “it won’t happen again.”

* This article was found in a web archive hosted by someone other than the Sugar Beet. Because I do not know how long the archive will remain publicly accessible, I pasted this article to preserve it for posterity in its entirety rather than just providing a link to the archived article.

Mormons Like Barack … More Than Hillary

After months and months of campaigning, the two major political parties in the United States finally have their candidates. Several months back the Republicans chose their candidate—John McCain over Mormon beloved Mitt Romney. Last night the Democrats finally mustered enough pledged delegates and their super friends to stand behind a candidate—Barack Obama. Even though you would not know it from Hillary’s speech last night, the fact that Barack is the presumptive nominee for the Democratic Party seems clear to most everyone else.

Do Mormons like Barack? Well, as a generalization, they do like him ... more than they like Hillary. Yes, I know there are some Mormons who voted for Hillary, but Obama creamed Hillary in Utah. For whatever reason, Mormons have not had much love for Hillary or her husband Bill. It is of note that in 1992, Utah was the only state in which Bill came in third—meaning both Bush and Perot edged him out.

Will Mormons back Barack in November? Well, as a generalization, they might now that Barack has left his old church AND provided that he decides to join the Mormon church before November. Other than that occurrence, the prospect of Barack winning the Mormon vote is quite remote. And even if Barack joins the church, it is not a sure thing that he will win them over unless he also joins the Republican Party.

But, Mormons should recognize that Barack is working to win their votes. How? Let me ask a few questions to make my point. Is it only a coincidence that he said that he was “shocked”—an adjective Mormons like—by the actions of his former pastor? I don’t think so. Is it a coincidence that he has done nothing to clear up the ambiguity surrounding his name? No, I am not talking about the flap surrounding his middle name—Hussein. I am talking about the ambiguity surrounding his first name: whether it is of foreign origin or just an alternative spelling—a naming convention Mormons like—for Brock? Additionally, over the past few months, he has mentioned on a number of occasions his distant relation to Dick Cheney. Could he be doing this to forecast that he has a bug for genealogy?

While we could highlight all these things and more, I find it surprising that Mormons have seemed to ignore his most overt attempt to court Mormon voters. As a public service, I will try to set the record straight.

A little more than a month ago, Barack explained to a crowd of reporters that as a kid he ate “a lot of pot roast, potatoes and Jell-O molds.” Mormons love each of these. And it almost goes without saying, most Mormons actually think Jell-O makes up its own food group.

Clearly he is reaching out to Mormons. Will Mormons vote for him? Again, probably not. However, maybe he will get a few more Mormon votes if he continues to make efforts to sound their Mo-dar. How could he do this? Well for starters, he could explain the potatoes he ate as child were mainly funeral potatoes. That would really be something, wouldn’t it?