Mormons Like BYU Football

BYU is back in session. Because of this, I figured that many of the BYU freshmen will have some questions about BYU football culture.

At BYU football games, Mormons go nuts. What is important to recognize is that BYU fans ranting at the refs, yelling "Kill him!" to encourage the players, and parading about the stadium painted blue are--amazingly--doing all of this stone-cold sober.

Mormons attending the BYU football game may feel an obligation to cheer loudly for the team. Some will do this because their heart is in the game; others do it just to fit in; and even others believe that BYU football is a missionary tool. Football a missionary tool? Clearly, there is no better way to spread the gospel than a bunch of guys from Samoa, Idaho, and Utah inflicting pain on anyone in their way, right? But, granted, knocking the crap out the opponent is a legitimate part of the game. (On that note, maybe it is worth thinking about dumping church basketball and replacing it with football. At least then hitting the opponent is an appropriate response. Better yet, maybe ultimate fighting.)

What should students wear to the football game? Good question. As a rough cut, things blue and white. But there is more to it than that. While there are some that paint themselves blue and sport the look of frumpy smurfs, most of the crowd does not. Most of the girls will try to dress somewhat after the style of Brooke White. Guys will try to look like how Brooke White would look if she were a guy.

Where does BYU football play its games? At home, they play at LaVelle Edwards Stadium. The stadium is not only named after guy who brought BYU a national championship but also a guy with a great Mormon name. The faux-french prefix is particularly a nice touch.

BYU's mascot is a cougar. It is important to note that the Mascot looks as if he has a beard. While it is not a beard, no reason to worry, the school has issued him a beard card just in case.

The mascot is named CauseMo. Why CauseMo? Well, Mormons will tell you, if you ask BYU students why they don't drink alcohol, they will tell you that this is because they are Mormons. Why don't they go shopping on Sunday? Because they are Mormons. Why do they know a little sign language? Because they are Mormons. Mormons got so tired of saying "Because we are Mormons" that they came up with a short-hand response--and thus CauseMo was born.

Now you might be asking, why is the mascot a cougar? Simply put, cougars are scary. Really scary. This point is powerfully illustrated in the BYU fight song. And, I should not neglect to note that if a new BYU student is going to a BYU football game, he or she has to learn the BYU fight song. The words are simple yet elegant--even though the chorus is a little scary. For the benefit of these students, Mormons everywhere, and indeed all humanity, I include them here below:

THE BYU FIGHT SONG

Rise, all loyal J-Crewers and prove to us you are a Mo.
You will sing, wear CTR rings, and have a special glow.
Mayo sauces for you
Who wear the white and blue.
We will dance the ballroom prance.
Come on, before the Cougars, get you!

CHORUS:

Rise and shout, the Cougars are out,
and they are going to eat your family.
Rise and shout, our screams will ring out,
As we try not to be kitty salami.
On you go, you better run you Mo or else you might get slaughtered.
As we run along, the adrenaline flows strong.
We'll run until our faces are blue,
Now that the Cougars invaded BYU.
Go! Mo! Go! Go! Go!
Go! Mo! Go! Go! Mo!
Aaaahh! Cougars!

Anyways, to those attending a BYU game for the first time, have fun. If you have all this knowledge and follow the instructions I provide above, you will not go wrong.

Mormons Like Setting Up Single Mormons

After high school, the only way for Mormons to avoid having other Mormons constantly try to set them up on blind dates is to get married, leave the church, or come out of the closet. Granted, there is a season of respite if a Mormon chooses to become a Mormon missionary because missionaries do not (or perhaps I should say "should not") date while on missions. However, once the missionary finishes his or her mission, he or she should prepare for the onslaught of reentering the dating pool as fresh meat.

Make no mistake about it. It is difficult to be a single Mormon. There are a number of reasons for this. Some of them stem from the import Mormons place on marriage and families. However, a big chunk of the difficulties experienced by single Mormons come from other Mormons inadvertently driving single Mormons absolutely loony. This occurs in many ways, but the persistence of Mormons in trying to set up Mormon singles certainly adds to the chances of single Mormons becoming clinically insane.

How does this happen? Imagine the following conversation between a Mormon married couple while eating dinner at the Cheesecake Factory.

Mormon Guy: "Boy, this snickers cheesecake sure is good."

Mormon Woman: "Yeah... I wish we could find someone for my friend DeAnne."

Mormon Guy: "Yeah. Can I have a bite of your cheesecake?"

Mormon Woman [shoveling a spoonful of cheesecake towards her husband]: "What do you think about lining her up with your friend Bill?"

Mormon Guy: "I don't know... I guess I can see that... Are you going to finish your--"

Mormon Woman [interrupting]: "I mean don't you think they would be perfect together. They are both such good members of the church. They would be so cute. Tell me something I don't know about him."

Mormon Guy: "Um, are you going to finish your cheesecake?"

Mormon Woman: "No, go ahead."

Mormon Guy: [Chewing... Swallowing...] "He really like sports."

Mormon Woman: "Oh, DeAnne hates sports."

Mormon Guy: "That is probably no big deal. He works so much, he can't watch them much anyways."

Mormon Woman: "It always drove DeAnne nuts how much her last boy friend worked. And, when he wasn't working, she complained that he often wanted to watch sports instead of do other things."

Mormon Guy: "Shwee ditted..."

Woman [interrupting]: "Honey, you know I can't understand you when you talk with your mouth full."

Mormon Guy: [Chewing... Swallowing...] "She dated a guy like that? It sounds like Bill really is her type."

Mormon Woman: "They would be so cute together! Let's set them up."

Given this story, it might be surprising that Mormons have very high standards when setting up other Mormons. The two people must meet three strict criteria: (1) both are Mormons; (2) both are single; and (3) the two are of the opposite sex. Beyond this, it doesn't really matter whether the two have anything in common, whether they live in the same state, or even whether they would actually be a good match. Granted, if the two would look cute together, Mormons would consider this a plus. I also note, that relatives--particularly grandparents or caring aunts--look to set up Mormon relatives with Mormon professionals. (If you don't get the gist, think "Matchmaker, matchmaker find me a mo.")

What should Mormons expect on blind dates? In many cultures, blind dates are nothing more than going out for coffee in the middle of the day. This is not the case for Mormons. Part of this is because Mormons don't drink coffee. But most of this comes from the fact that during high school, many Mormons come to see beauty in marathon dates. After a few years of really, really long dates, it is hard to revert to meeting for a half hour in the middle of the day. So, if you are on a blind date as a Mormon, get ready for a long ordeal. This may be great when the date is fun. However, when it is not so fun, Mormons will have the opportunity to develop patience.

What is the mood of Mormon blind dates? Ideally it would be a pretty casual deal. However, in reality it can be a bit of a pressure cooker. Those setting up other Mormons have expectations--namely that the two will fall immediately in love and find each other as eternal companions no later than the first date. And, those doing the setting up can even feel a little disappointed if it does not work out. I mean, it seemed so clear that the two that were set up would have made such a cute couple. In some cases, particularly in the case of the guy who was set up, Mormons can have some hard feelings if things don't work out.

It should also be noted that Mormons do not feel any social awkwardness in setting up other Mormons. Does it matter that the person wanting to set you up is a church leader? No. What if he or she was was a boss at work? No. But a gynecologist would never set up a patient, right? Wrong. If the person doing the setting up and those being set up acknowledge each other's Mormonism, that is about all that matters.

* I would like to thank a couple of people who gave me advice for this post. Particularly, I thank a friend in business school in New York and an online friend, WhiteEyebrows, for their collective advice regarding this post. It was helpful to get the perspective of single Mormons, particularly because one is a girl and one is guy. Actually, now that I think about it... How would the two of you feel about me setting the two of you up? I mean seriously, you two would make a really cute couple!

Mormons Like Famous Mormons

Mormons can't get enough of famous Mormons—sometimes referred to as “FaMos.” (I really like the term FaMos. It is not only clever but also uses an alternative spelling of “famous” and uses a faux French prefix—both crucial elements of many Mormon names.) Not surprisingly, a FaMo is someone who is (1) a Mormon and (2) famous to the general public.

Here are a few easy cases of FaMos: David Archuleta, Donny and Marie, Mitt Romney, and Steve Young. And then, there is Gladys Knight. The Mo-dar (which is that sixth sense that lets you know somebody is a Mormon) might not sound when you think “Gladys Knight.” But, she literally puts the Mo in Motown.

In calculating whether someone meets the FaMo criteria, Mormons are pretty lenient. If you can make a good case of being either famous or a Mormon, to qualify as a FaMo the other part of the criteria only has to pass the laugh test. It is probably worth walking through a couple of examples.

First off, the name “Ken Jennings” may seem only remotely familiar to those who aren’t Mormons. If this is the case, you might ask a Mormon in all sincerity, “Who is Ken Jennings?” This will cause a Mormon to do a double take because Ken Jennings is a FaMo. However, a Mormon will not be distraught over this for too long. Why? Because the Mormon will recognize that you—of course purposely!—referenced the Mormon champion of Jeopardy in the form of a question.

Here is another example, Gary Coleman. If you tell a Mormon you don’t know who Gary Coleman is, the Mormon may respond, “Whatchoo talkin’ ’bout Willis?” If this doesn’t ring a bell, the Mormon will have come to terms that you in fact don’t know who Gary Coleman is—which can only mean that you have not wasted sufficient time watching reruns of Different Strokes or Hollywood Squares. Still, even though you have no clue who he is, he qualifies as FaMo: quite few people know who he is and, yes, he is a Mormon.

A FaMo doesn’t have to be all that famous if he or she is a Mormons. This is why a website devoted to famous Mormons (and isn't even parody) lists categories of FaMos like “Famous Mormons in Protective Services,” “Horse Racing and Rodeo,” and “Famous Mormons in Rugby.” This is not a one-off either.

Additionally, a FaMo doesn’t have to be super connected to the Mormon church to be a FaMo. In contrast to non-famous Mormons (whom Mormons will refer to as "not active in the church" if church attendance is sparse or as "Jack Mormons" if the connection to the church is pretty much cultural), FaMos are simply "Mormons. " It doesn't matter if a FaMo attends church or really even if he or she lives up the church's standards. Why? Mormons like famous Mormons, so the more FaMos the merrier.

There are several categories of Mormons somewhat akin to FaMos. The first is comprised of Mormons who became famous but in a notorious sense. Mormons will only begrudgingly admit that people in this group had anything to do with the church. The category includes folks like Butch Cassidy, Ted Bundey, and SUPERDELL. (I have the feeling that I am going to catch crap for that last comment. SUPERDELL, though a man with an annoying personality, is not without friends—as strange as that may seem). One more thing, if pictures of Mark Hoffman ping your Mo-dar, better to keep that to yourself among Mormons.

A second category is made up of Mormons that are famous but only in Mormon circles. Want some examples? Hello, Janice Kapp Perry. Aloha, Chieko Okazaki. And, how the [bleep] are you, J. Golden Kimball? In this group we also find any person serving in the upper echelons of Mormon church leadership. We also have all the Mormon pop artists. And, Michael McKlean, no, you are not alone. There are plenty of others joining you. You can be somewhat of a clown and still be part of this group. So, yes Robert Kirby, make yourself at home. Just don’t leave too many Cheetos in the cushions of the recliner.

A third category is made of people genuinely not famous but that Mormons insist are famous only because they are Mormons and Mormons like FaMos. These are people who will name drop and then have to explain that so-and-so went to Harvard Medical School, worked on the team that help invent Preparation H, or had a near perfect attendance record during high school. While admittedly FaMos is a very, very inclusive term, some have to wonder, is there a Mormon that is not famous for something? If the answer to that is “yes,” then at least some references to famous Mormons have to fail because they are simply not famous.

The final category is made up of people that are famous but not Mormons. However, because Mormons like FaMos so much, Mormons will insist famous people are Mormons. You want examples of these rumors? Let's start with Christina Aguilera, Tom Hanks, Steve Martin, and even Elvis. You want more examples? Hang around Mormons, they will dish them out like casserole at a Ward Party.

Mormons Like the Olympics

Mormons have always had a soft spot in their hearts for the Olympics. They love competition, excellence, a bit of pomp, long parades, medals, athletes, and all that stuff. However, the Mormon appreciation of Olympics hit new levels when the International Olympic Committee chose Salt Lake City as the site of the 2002 Winter Olympics.

Given how smoothly the 2002 games went off, I am not sure how many people remember that the Salt Lake games were threatened to be marred with scandal. Apparently, the wooing of IOC delegates went a bit further than providing them local treats (like fry sauce). Rather, those securing the bid were so swept up by their enthusiasm for giving that their actions translated into what most would consider out-and-out bribes.

But, in one of Mormon culture’s finest moments, Mitt Romney—Mormon extraordinaire—was asked to take leave of his fancy Boston consulting firm and step in to save the games. He came to Utah and immediately stood out as a leader. He was not only shrewd, charismatic, and somewhat sentimental, he also sported grade-A hair and a chin that east of the Mississippi could actually qualify as a ski slope. There is no doubt in anybody’s mind—and particularly in the minds of Mormons—that Mitt worked wonders in pulling the 2002 games out of the muck.

While much has been said about the 2002 winter games, what has been grossly overlooked is a song that I wrote to honor it. This song, which in my mind is still destined to be a classic, is set to the tune of a popular Mormon Primary song—“I Love to See the Temple.” I know it is a little presumptuous, but I am holding out hopes that once it is discovered it will be added to Janice Kapp Perry’s version in the next version of the church's primary song book.

Here it goes. Ahem (I am in fact singing while writing)….

I love to see the Temple.
I saw it on TV
During the 2002 Olympics
Before the Opening Ceremony.
And when the Mo-Tab sang with Sting,
Bob Costas called it a beauty.
The World got to see Mormons aren’t just freaks
And that Mitt was a cutie.

Whew... Every time—and I do mean every time—I revisit that song, I am struck by its artistic merit. Ahhh… That is good stuff. But I cannot dwell on it. However, I certainly invite you to do so. I would love to see somebody—maybe Sting reunited with the Mormon Tabernacle Choir—singing this on MTV... or at General Conference... or at least on YouTube. No, I do not need all that. But it would be really great if I was given an honorary gold medal during the 2010 games.

So what else draws Mormons to the Olympics? (Yes, back to the point of this post...) Mormons generally enjoy any event that still has a shred of decorum to it that allows the spectators to scream out of control with excitement. By this I mean to act as if they were drunk while still remaining sober.

One may also suggest that it is because Mormons like the Olympics because they love to follow and cheer for the Mo-Lympians (i.e., the Mormon Competitors). But, this isn’t in my experience really the case. Sure there are a few Mormons who keep special tabs on the Mo-Lympians, but not that many. I have to admit that this seems particularly odd given how much Mormons like famous Mormons. So, why not follow the Mo-Lympians?

Part of the reason Mormons don't really follow Mo-Lympians is because it is only rarely that a Mormon is actually in the mix and has a real shot of bringing home a medal in an event that receives much publicity. The major exception to this of course was the dramatic win by the King of the Mo-Lympians—Rulon Gardner, a Mormon farm boy and middle school teacher from Idaho—in the 2000 Olympics when he beat that Russian wrestler known as the General that everyone figured was unstoppable. (Seriously, not even Sylvester Stallone could have engineered such a dramatic moment as that). The only thing that Gardner could have done to make it better from the Mormon perspective is if he had taken the opportunity to ask a woman to marry him on live television after his win. Barring that, he did everything he could do to secure his spot as King of the Mo-Lympians.

So, why aren’t their more Mo-Lympians? One reason might be the Shawn Bradley factor. (No, I am not talking about being a freakishly tall but still acting as more of a dunk magnet than a defender.) Rather, what I mean here is that the Mormon mission can really take it out of an athlete. Face it, missionaries do not have the time to train like an Olympic athlete would; missionaries have far too many other things going on. A second reason their are not more Mo-Lympians is because a disproportionate share of Mormon young people are married young and/or dead set on entering a profession—like dentistry—that requires years of schooling. All this adds up to other priorities. A last reason there are not more Mo-Lympians is that although Mormons are always looking for loopholes to the Word of Wisdom, that prohibition against drugs is a hard one to get around. The closest Mormons can come to juicing themselves up is overdosing on the wheat grass served at Jamba Juice.

While all of these are plausible explanations, I think that the reason that there are not more Mo-Lympians is that the Olympics has overlooked those sports that Mormons are likely to master. Imagine the gold Mormons could bring home if the Olympics finally recognized folk dancing, sign language, furniture moving, wheat grinding, fruit canning, minivan driving, goal setting, scrapbooking, water skiing, chiropractoring, casserole making, basketball hacking and meeting holding for the sports that they are. I mean seriously, can’t the people that brought the Olympics to Utah be reassembled to do some “convincing”? Mormons could get a lot of traction even if they didn’t bribe. All they would really need to do is introduce the delegates of the IOC to the wonders of fry sauce.

Mormons Like the Elders’ Quorum … At Least When It Is Time to Move

Now it has been said that the members of the Elders Quorum (roughly speaking younger adult males) make up the lowest common denominator of the membership of the Mormon church. And upon reflection (and particularly if teenagers are not included in the mix), there my be a good argument for that proposition. However, when it comes time to moving boxes, there can be little dispute that members of the Elders Quorum are the best pack animals the church has. In fact, some devoted and/or lonely members of the Elders Quorum help others move once or twice a month or more.

It is not surprising that Mormons—like most people—hate moving. But for Mormons, the duty to help others move is strongly ingrained into the culture's ethic. This is true even if a member has plenty of dough to hire movers. It is completely inbounds for members of the church to call on other members of the church to help them move even if they are moving just to upgrade McMansions. While it should not be overlooked that many members of the church pitch in to help others move, the members of the Elders Quorum bear the brunt of it. Granted, the laborers found among most Elders Quorums are only so-so, but the price is right: subtracting out all the stuff they break, they work for free.

Given the pain inflicted by moving and the number of moves Mormons have put together, it is a wonder that they are not a much more miserable people. This is particularly the case given the shenanigans that often occur when Mormons move.

For example, when Mormons are looking for movers, they will assure others that they will have all their junk packed up and that the Mormons that show up will merely need to lug their hud to the moving truck. Despite the best intentions of the Mormons moving, the reality is that when moving time comes, many Mormons will only have half of their stuff boxed up. The rest of their belongings will generally reflect the absolute chaos that has been brought into their lives due to daunting task of trying and then failing to pack up all their crap.

It is also not too uncommon to find that the Mormon moving has not secured a large enough moving van. While it may be tempting at this point for the movers to throw up their hands and walk away, this rarely happens. Rather, when it becomes apparent that that problems are likely to arise due to that pesky old law that two pieces of matter cannot occupy the same space at the same time, somebody will step forward and claim an expertise in making big stuff magically fit into small spaces. Generally, this expertise comes with the lofty credential of having wasted countless hours playing Tetras. Even more surprisingly, it is quite often the case that skills gained by playing Tetras pay off big time.

Also, Mormons are prone to have heavy stuff. For example, if you know a Mormon, chances are pretty good that he or she has a piano in their home even if nobody in the house plays. Still, fortunately for Mormon movers, it is strongly advised for only professionals to move pianos. Yet, unfortunately for Mormon movers, this advice is hardly ever taken by Mormons. So, Mormon movers will attempt to take a piano out of a second story window before the person moving will ever consider hiring a professional piano mover. Along with pianos, other beasts that will have be hauled out of Mormon homes include massive amounts of food storage, washing machines, tremendous amounts of food storage, couches with hide-a-beds, and piles and piles of food storage. Moving heavy stuff—like the things I already mentioned and food storage—almost always results in somebody at least claiming to have a thrown out their back. This common occurrence may very well be the reason that chiropractors thrive among the Mormons.

Also, very rarely do Mormons accurately estimate how much times it will take them to move. They may ask for a couple of hours. This often means all morning and most of the afternoon. One reason that Mormons underestimate how long their own move will take is that they do not know how much crap they own until it is hauled out of their homes. Yes, they had lived comfortably in denial for years in thinking that they did not have nearly as much stuff as the other people they have helped move. As the move drags on, the truth is pretty painful for all involved to swallow. Another reason that Mormons underestimate how long it will take to move their junk is that Mormons are generally optimists. Seriously, what other people can you name that give up drinking and eating for a twenty-four hour period once a month and then decide to call that day “Fast Sunday”? Most people in a similar situation would decide to call that day “Oh-Man-This-Day-Is-Seriously-Dragging Sunday.”

But, if there is a common thread that weaves the Mormon moving experience together, it is that there is a sincere hope that the move will include a break with food. If food is provided, all negligence, oversights, and mistakes are overlooked. If it is a morning move, the customary food are doughnuts and bagels. If it is an evening move, pizza is what people will expect. It should be noted, however, that a fair number of moves do not include food, which leads to some disappointment and hunger among the movers.

Despite that Mormons are amateur movers, this does not mean that people do not expect a somewhat professional job. For every Mormon move, there is at least a thing or two that the movers are warned about—something of value to those moving that needs to be protected and treated most gently. The warning will be something quite subtle like if the thing of value is harmed during the move then somebody is—and I quote—“dead.” While it is not so uncommon that the precious whatever-it-is is in fact mangled in the move, it should be noted with some relief that that the broken valuable does not generally result in death—though in some cases it might result in enough nagging and guilt that death would have at least seemed to be a happy alternative.

So why do Mormons rely on Mormons when they move? My guess is that it is as simple as that they can. It really is quite remarkable that Mormons will show up to help people whom they don't know at all move into an area and help people they still don't know so well or perhaps even like so much move away from an area. Are there other reasons? I don't know. I would love to hear your thoughts.

* I want to thank all of those who have helped me move over the years. I am particularly grateful for the crew that stuck with me after I realized I had packed up the keys of the moving truck deep inside the then-full moving truck. I am sure if I did not have pizza on that move, I would have had a revolution on my hands.