Mormons Like Trunk-or-Treating

I do not know if anybody but Mormons even know what trunk-or-treating is. It is not a doctrinal thing, just cultural. So no, the Book of Mormon does not say anything like, “Other treats I have who are not of this bowl.” It’s not like that.

What is trunk-or-treating? Simply put, it is trick-or-treating in a parking lot—but instead of moving house to house, you move from parking stall to parking stall. Not all Mormons trunk-or-treat, but most Mormons who belong to a congregation of any size in the United States would have at least had the opportunity to attend a trunk-or-treat.

My best guess is that the trunk-or-treat came about because some Mormon did not want his or her child(ren) to go trick-or-treating some year that Halloween fell on a Sunday but felt guilty when it came down to depriving his or her child(ren) of the experience.

Trunk-or-treating in many congregations now occurs every year, irrespective of whether or not Halloween falls on a Sunday. Some congregations insist on having trunk-or-treating on Halloween provided that it does not fall on Sunday. Simply put, this really misses the point. Kids do not like trunk-or-treating more than trick-or-treating. They just like trunk-or-treating more than staying home and playing Uno or whatever else they would have done.

If you get a chance to go trunk-or-treating, what should you expect? As you approach the trunk-or-treat in the church parking lot, you will see a bunch of kids dressed in pretty regular Halloween costumes—with perhaps a tad more Brooke White costumes than you might see outside of American mainstream.

The spectacle of the event is the decked out minivans and SUVs. Not all people go to the effort. Yet, a fair number do. You may ask, are not all the Goldfish and Nilla Wafers smashed into the minivan’s carpet scary enough? You would think that the tab for gassing up that Range Rover would pretty much make those crepe paper bats pretty much an afterthought. But, no. Some will decorate their cars, some adults will dress up. There is no need for dry ice; the emissions from all the running vehicles pretty much will take care of anyone that feels it necessary to have fake fog. It doesn’t really matter much whether people dress up, whether they decorate, or whether the kids themselves will be asphyxiated walking from car to car so long as people have candy. And, Mormons do have candy and generally Costco size bags of it to boot.

Before the trunk-or-treat, expect Mormons to have refreshments. This will most likely consist of doughnuts and maybe hot chocolate or hot apple cider. You might be thinking, “Doughnuts and hot chocolate before gorging on candy? Really?” The explanation for this is pretty simple: Mormons are always looking for loopholes in the Word of Wisdom. Any holiday of respectable size pretty much gives Mormons a free pass to ignore that whole “moderation in all things” mantra.

Anyways, for all of those going trick-or-treating and/or trunk-or-treating, have a spooky one.

Mormons Like Mormon Prayer Words and Phrases

When Mormons pray, they follow a pretty simple pattern. The start out by addressing God, thank God for their blessings, ask God for additional blessings, close in the name of Jesus, and say “amen.” These are the nuts and bolts, yet there are some other things that Mormons also generally say that are not "necessary" but nonetheless common fixtures of those steeped in Mormon culture. For example, when Mormons get around to asking for blessings, expect them to ask that “no harm or accident will befall” them. To my knowledge, this is the only time Mormons ever talking about anything befalling.

What else? Well, when blessing food, Mormons ask that the food make them healthy. (This would be true even if Mormons were about ready to gorge on high fructose corn syrup.) In asking this, Mormons generally ask that the food will “nourish and strengthen [their] bodies.” "Nourish and strengthen" are inseparable: they are like Donny and Marie, Mitt and money, Brooke White and tears, and Mormon primary programs and sign language. Even still, it is somewhat a mystery why Mormons need to specify that the food will nourish and strengthen their bodies. I mean really, what else would the food “nourish and strengthen”?

Another oddity that accompanies, blessing the food—Mormons are also fond of asking God to bless “the hands that prepared this meal.” One way to look at this is that it is a way to thank the cook in the body of the prayer. But, why stop with the cook's hands? Sort of strange, but what happens nonetheless.

In church meetings, matter how good or painful they prove, Mormons are certain to ask to help them to "apply these things in [their] daily lives.” This may lead you to ask, what other sort of lives—other than their "daily lives"—do they have? Again, I am not sure.

One other thing about church meeting prayers is that Mormons will often ask for a blessing “for those who could not be with us this day.” No matter how painful a meeting is, you should not expect Mormons to actually bless those who actually attended. (After all, what doesn’t kill you, will only make you stronger.) But, what does “could not be with us this day” mean really? If someone “could” have come but didn’t because they wanted to, for example, watch TV, is he or she covered? Technically, it doesn’t seem so. Strictly speaking the phrase seems to apply to everyone in the entire world less those who made it to the meeting or “could” have done so but failed to do so. And why "this day"? What's wrong with just "today"?

I am afraid that this post raises more questions than it answers. I am just saying that when Mormons pray like Mormons, these things are just likely to befall.

Mormons Like Mormon Names -- Revisited

Previously, I wrote a post on Mormon names. While I have been tempted to return to the topic, with a name like Brigham, I just figured I'd leave it alone.

However, my good friend Matt recently sent me a picture that he took in Utah. As a community service, I share it with you now.



Without opining on the political race at stake, the photo pretty much establishes which candidate has been marred in a misdirected and ill conceived effort to conform with Mormon naming conventions. Those unfamiliar with Mormon culture will be surprised to learn that it is almost certain that RaDene's parents gave her the name because they thought it was "so cute." This is a textbook example of what can go wrong when a Mormons fails to grasp that his or her Mormon culture lens has gotten a little foggy. So Mormons, seriously, be careful out there.

Time will tell whether RaDene can convince LeVarr to vote for her or if young JaceSyn will even show up at the polls.

Mormons Like the Suburbs

Mormons like their houses to be houses of order, houses of stucco, and houses with a lot of square footage. Granted, many people like the suburbs and not all Mormons live there, but generally speaking Mormons are suburbanites. So, if you want to find a Mormon in his or her natural habitat, follow the minivans past Lowes and Chuck E Cheese to the cul-de-sacs.

Why do Mormons like the suburbs? For starters, Mormons like the suburbs because public schools are relatively good and crime is perceived to be low. It is a plus that the suburbs are also close to many of the stores Mormons love like familiar chain restaurants with good food served in large portions—for example, the Olive Garden, Café Rio, and the Cheesecake Factory. They like the exclusive clubs found in the suburbs: Costco and Sam’s Club. These are only places where Mormons bump into their friends, but also stores that sell stuff in quantities that pretty much force Mormons to buy food storage with every purchase.

Mormons also like suburban neighbors. In the suburbs, unlike urban places, you do not need to have piercings and tattoos to be hip. And, unlike many rural areas, you do not need to be truly tough to be tough. In the suburbs, people are content with guys who wear Dockers, women driving SUVs that never leave paved streets, and kids who sport Old Navy t-shirts. They like the suburbs for their relatively quiet streets and that people put out lights, nick-knacks, and decorations to mark many holidays—Christmas, Halloween, and the Fourth of July. Additionally, Mormons like having other Mormons as neighbors. So the more Mormons flock to the suburbs, the more Mormons like them.

Mormons like suburban houses because they tend to have a lot of square footage. Big houses mean that even when the kids are running rampant or a teenager is on the war path, an adult has a hope (even if it is a false one) of finding a quite place at home. Big houses also mean that Mormons will have enough room for a large pantry and perhaps even space for a craft room, which is great for quilting and scrapbooking projects. Lastly, big houses have ample wall space. This means enough room for pictures of family members, art work relating to the church, framed copies of the Proclamation on the Family, and the essential family photo.

Houses in the suburbs often include large yards. For Mormons this means space for gardens and fruit trees—both essential if one is going to take canning seriously. Additionally, big yards give the kids or grandkids space to run around without much adult supervision. From the Mormon perspective, “Go play in the back yard” is one of the most beautiful phrases in the English language.

Some people claim they do not like the suburbs because they do not like a long commute. Even if Mormons won’t admit it, many Mormons like a long commute because “commute” is a synonym for “break from both work and kids.” For some, commuting is the only quiet part of their day—despite their large yards and gobs of square footage.