Mormons Like Chiropractors

While Mormons do not completely corner the market as they do in dentistry, Mormons certainly have more their share of bone crushers. The presence of chiropractors in places where Mormons make up a solid chunk of the population (like Utah) is similar to that of organic pot growers in Berkeley.

Of course, places loaded with Mormons would not have so many chiropractors if places loaded with Mormons did not demand their services. What is that draws Mormons to chiropractors?

There seems to be several contributing factors. First, plenty of of Mormons get their backs out of whack because they spend so many of their weekends helping other Mormons move. And, why shouldn't Mormons rely on Mormons when they move? After all, if Mormons were not Mormons, they probably would not have that piano and all that heavy food storage to move.

Second, there is another chunk of Mormons who get injured doing official church activities. Chief among these are injuries related to church basketball: there are those injured when hacked and those injured while hacking. And, then there are those injured while doing actions to songs in Primary. "Once there was a snow---Oh Man! My back!"

Third, other Mormons have bad backs because Mormons spend so much time sitting in church. Three hours of sitting is the bare minimum on any given Sunday. Sometimes, church goes into extra innings, and some Mormons have plenty of other meetings on Sunday that often go by acronyms like PEC but not NCMO.

Lastly, many Mormons go to the chiropractor because--whether it be stress or something else--they are afraid that if they do not go to the chiropractor, they will become stiff necked. And, stiff neckedness is something Mormons really hope to avoid.

Mormons Like Pride and Prejudice

Of the classics, Mormons are particularly drawn to Pride and Prejudice. The Mormon movie industry has even created Mormon version of Pride and Prejudice with a title that is both uncreative and somewhat embarrassing at the same time: Pride and Prejudice: A Latter-Day Comedy. From this Mormon cinematic achievement, of course we get the memorable line: "It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a temple recommend, must be in want of a wife... or perhaps several." Well, okay, that memorable line doesn't come from Mormon cinema even if some of us really, really wished it did.

So what is it that draws Mormons to Pride and Prejudice? Is it because it is a well written, witty masterpiece? No, given the degree to which Mormons--particularly Mormon women--love the Twighlight series, it is pretty clear that quality of writing is not a necessary precondition to gaining a place in the Mormon library. Is it because it introduces some themes that Mormons would meet with approval? I grant you that Mormons are keen on the lack of physical intimacy before marriage, a happy ending, and the meaningful relationships among family members, particularly between two sisters (Jane and Elizabeth) and between Elizabeth and her father. But this is not it either. Could it be that it is a love story--and perhaps one of the ultimate love stories--and Mormons are saps for love stories? This is good stuff too, but I do not figure this is it either.

So, what gives? Here are some specific aspects of the story that I think qualify as Mo-bait:

• At one point in the book Bingley delivers the following lines to Darcy, "I must have you dance. I hate to see you standing about by yourself in this stupid manner. You had much better dance." When Darcy refuses, Bingley rejoins, "I would not be so fastidious as you are for a kingdom." Generally speaking, Mormons like to dance. And, any Mormon who has been to a church dance, has seen Darcy's type a million times. In today's Mormon parlance, one would say, "Come on! You look like a friggin' idiot. Why don't you dance?"
• Mormons love the way Jane Austen uses last names the way people would use first names today. You almost forget that Collins, Darcy, and Bingley are last names. When Mormons name their children they often do the same. Of course, if Jane Austen had used truly proper Mormon names, she may have named them LeCollins, DarCy, and Bingley Coriantumr.
  
• Remember when Mr. Collins is eating with Elizabeth and her family and admits to having arranged "little compliments as may be adapted to ordinary occasions"? Those who have eaten with Mormons may wonder whether Mormons come up with the words of their prayers on the spot or whether they are the result of previous study. When a Mormon starts blessing "the hands the prepared this meal," one begins to wonder.
• In one part of the story, Mr. Bennet has to interrupt one of his daughters from singing because she had sang one song and was starting into another, all without any musical talent or--in fact--abilities. Mormons love singing and often enjoy it when they get to hear other Mormons sing. However, if there was ever a people who has sat through their share of bad musical numbers, it is the Mormons. Mormons can't all be Brooke White. (I think American Idol auditions in Salt Lake City this year pretty much proved that.)
  
• At one of the climaxes of the story, Darcy tells Elizabeth, "In vain I have struggled. It will not do. My feelings for you will not be repressed. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you." At almost every testimony meeting held by Mormons somebody confesses that he or she did not want to get up and talk but was overwhelmed with the impression that he or she should: thus, the microphone is in front of his or her pie hole.
  
• At one point, Elizabeth visits Mr. Darcy's estate, Pemberley. The visit featured Elizabeth and her aunt and uncle looking at painted pictures of those who lived and had lived in Pemberley. Mormons love the family photo.
• When Darcy finds out the Elizabeth's youngest sister has ran away with Wickham, he says that he is "shocked." By this point in the book, he is starting to talk like a Mormon. If only he said he was saddened too...
• After Lydia marries Wickham, she says she could find all her sisters husbands among the officers at Bath. Married Mormons really dig setting up other Mormons.
  
• At one point, Catherine De Bourgh tells Elizabeth, "This match, to which you have the presumption to aspire, can never take place." It is hard to recognize why this line reaches out to Mormons until one begins to see that in the early 1800s at least in England this is a rough equivalent to talking trash during church ball. "With that game, you couldn't even get home teaching stats."

Mormons may or may not like the line that Mr. Bennet delivers near the end of the book: "For what do we live, but to make sport of our neighbors, and laugh at them in our turn." Mormons might not think that laughing at their neighbors--even Mormon neighbors--is a very Mormony thing to do. Well, I think it is. In my mind, so long as Mormons do not do it with a mean spirit and have the willingness to allow others to laugh at them, it is humor that helps keep Mormons sane. At least I hope it is. If not, I am left to wonder whether this blog does more harm than good. So, I hope Mormons can laugh at themselves and kindly laugh at others in their turn. I do.