Articles of Faith for Mo Culture (1-4)

Joseph Smith wrote up the Articles of Faith for the Mormon Church as a thoughtful response to a letter from a newspaper publisher inquiring about the church's beliefs. Today, Mormons still rely on the same explanations to define and differentiate their beliefs.

In fact, Mormons teach their kids to sing them. This not only teaches the children these principles but also, honestly, introduces the children to simple yet annoying melodies. Some Mormon congregations may even teach the children some rudimentary sign language as actions to these songs.

A while back, I proposed an article of faith to explain an aspect of Mormon culture. One of the commenters to that post suggested I come up with twelve more. At the time, I thought it was a pretty good idea. It has taken me a while to get around to it, but here are the first four--three of them new and one old. I hope to post nine more over the next couple of weeks.

1. We believe in SUVs and minivans, as the form of transportation, and in knee length shorts, which are always nice, and in the multilevel marking.

2. We believe that church ball players should be punished for their own fouls, and not for unsportsmanlike aggression.

3. We believe that through bread crumbs, cheese, creamy soups, and rice all casseroles can be saved—though obedience to ward cookbooks and creativity in the mixing bowl.

4. We believe that the first layers and ingredients of the Dip are: first, beans; second, cheese; third, chopped tomatoes; fourth, the gift of sour cream; fifth, olives; sixth, salsa; seventh, guacamole—that is, if you have it.

Mormons Like Kris Allen

As you probably know, Kris Allen won this year's American Idol contest. Part of me says, "Whoop-Dee-Doo." But, another part of me is impressed with the momentum he gained over the course of the competition. He literally came out of nowhere to overtake the front runners. While thinking of his momentum, I began to wonder if he had any MoMentum.

It seems quite likely that he does. He's looks like a clean-cut guy, and he is not shy of discussing his devotion to his own church. So, on looks and attitude, the guy could blend in at some place like BYU pretty easily. Yeah, he is no Brooke White, but he definitely gives off that J-Crew vibe more than David Archuletta does. In contrast, the other guy who vied for the top spot on American Idol--Adam Lambert--would have a bit harder time blending in at BYU. That is not saying it is impossible for Adam to blend in at BYU. I imagine that he could--theoretically--hide behind a shrub or bookshelf on campus or something.

Mormons might also like Kris because he spells his name "Kris" and not "Chris"--a nice alternative spelling. It would have been better had he insisted on using a middle initial in his name as well, but the alternative spelling of course is nothing to sneeze at.

All this is helpful, but what iced it for me was Kris's response to winning: "Are you freaking kidding me?!" Huh?! He resorted to Mormon swearing?! When he did, I was pretty much at a loss for words. I sat there stunned and then blurted the first thing that came out: "Are you freaking kidding me?!" At that point I knew it. The guy has MoMentum.

* By the way, I have started a new blog. Check it out by clicking here.

Mormons Like the Creative Marriage Proposal

When asking another to consider marriage, some--but not all--Mormons feel compelled to find a creative and/or memorable way to pop the question. The standby example of this is to arrange to pop the question on the jumbo tron at a basketball arena. This, however, has become so commonplace that it is really only truly memorable when the answer is "no". Others will go to great lengths to engineer surprise or a romantic atmosphere--jumping out of nowhere with a string quartet and a dozen roses, getting down on one knee, and having Howie Mandel come from behind a corner and say, "Deal or no deal?"

What is behind this? Well, some may argue that this is a result of Mormons putting such a great importance on marriage. I mean, if you are going to be with the person forever, the moment should be memorable, right? This may sound sentimental, but there is also practical thinking behind this: a few years can blur a memory, so just think what an eternity can do. Without some flare, Mormons have reason to fear that memories of the proposals in A Princess Bride or Pride and Prejudice will outlive their own. "No Honey, I did not do that. You must be thinking of Edward from Twilight" is not something Mormons want to say in the hereafter.

Others might argue that the Mormon commitment to high-effort proposals is in part due to the fact that Mormons marry so young. When a Mormon marries fresh out of high school, the Mormon proposing runs the risk that the proposal will pale in comparison to the creative antics your sweetheart's last romantic interest performed just to ask for a date to a school dance called "Monster Mash."

Still others will argue that Mormons did not always put so much energy into proposals. But, since Mormons did away with polygamy in the 19th century, the importance of the proposal has increased. "Hey, if I get one shot of this, I might as well do this right," the logic goes.

I think, however, that Mormon proposal antics relate to the Mormon desire to stand above the crowd. Although Mormons can't excel in all things, they strive to excel when the chips are really on the table. (Is it just me, or shouldn't Mormons say "when the chips and dip are on the table"?) In the Mormon mind, it is a way to say, "Yeah, so what if I am not the greatest dentist in the world or have the most distinguished middle initial in my name?! When it really matters, I've got game." Unfortunately, due to years of church basketball, the phrase, "I've got game" is too often followed with the reflexive "Face! You friggin' fetcher."

* For those of you who already follow me on Twitter, forgive the redundancy. However, if you have not already seen it, prepare yourself for a crappy way to give the bride a ring:

Video Courtesy of KSL.com

Mormons Like Cream

I have mentioned before that to keep their sanity, Mormons often resort to finding loopholes in the Word of Wisdom (a Mormon health and diet code). Fortunately for Mormons, creams constitute a significant loophole. While I am sure that there are others, let's focus on two of the biggies cream has to offer.

Ice cream. Some have claimed--not me--that Utah is the ice cream capital of the world. Unfortunately, Le Mars, Iowa (home of Blue Bunny Ice Cream) has officially secured trademark on the term "ice cream capital of the world," so those who sing Utah's ice cream praises too loudly can soon expect to have their sorry butts dragged off to court. But still, the registered trademark did not keep Blue Bunny from essentially conceding that as far as eating ice cream, Utah reigns supreme. It did so when it opened an ice cream factory in St. George, Utah. You see, the marketers at Blue Bunny saw the plain truth: Mormons are total ice cream sluts. In the Mormon mind, ice cream is a beautiful thing: many creams are cold but few are frozen.

Cream of mushroom and cream of chicken soup. First, it probably deserves noting in their own right the very words "cream of chicken soup" are fun to say. Second, and more importantly, these creamy soups deserve credit for making casseroles what they are to the Mormon potluck. These soups literally bring together the disparate parts--the celery, sausages, rice, and bread crumbs--into a single gooey and delicious whole. And, it can't be denied: cream of mushroom or chicken soup is the very thing that puts the fun into funeral potatoes. I mean it, show me a recipe in a ward cookbook in the "dinner" section without cream of mushroom or chicken soup that isn't either cooked on the grill or crock pot, and I will show you one of three things: a misprint, a failed attempt at a practical joke, or a Mormon cultural apostate.

Mormons Like the Pioneer Trek

Mormons love the pioneers (Mormons who inhabited the Great Basin during the nineteenth century). Particularly in the interior west of the United States (places like Utah, Arizona, Wyoming, and Idaho), Mormons like to go on pioneer treks. The pioneer trek is high stakes pretend play and dress ups for teenagers and adults. It is a reenactment that entails tromping around a forest or mountain range with a handcart, dressing like a pioneer, and talkin' with a right-bad accent and using done-wrong grammar for four or five days. The commitment to pioneer reenactments is so deep that over the past several decades many-a-Mormons have noted that they are truly grateful that the Donner Party were not Mormons.

When Mormons go on pioneer treks, they usually are assigned to a "family." The family consists of a Ma and a Pa (usually two middle-aged adults from the a Mormons congregation or a nearby congregation) and bunch of kids (all teenagers in the congregation or several congregations). So, the youth participating can take comfort that even though they are far from home, they still have a mother figure and father figure to which they can show disrespect and flaunt in disobedience.

At one time, pioneer treking for Mormons was much more hardcore. Those organizing these experiences would try to make them authentic by only given the participants just enough food to survive and then trying to push them to the brink. Sometimes, those involved would get to kill a live chicken and then cook it over the fire. One might query, does chicken taste like chicken if you cook it wrong? The answer to this was often made clear when the chicken was either charred or raw--and often both--after it came off the fire.

While the commitment in Mormon culture for pioneer treking has not subsided, it is intetesting to note that Mormons have begun to teach children a song in primary that begins, "You don't need to push a handcart to be a pioneer." Given the importance of the pioneer trek to Mormon culture, this might seem controversial--almost Mormon cultural apostasy. But, it is not as bad as all that because every Mormon knows there are more ways to be a pioneer than pushing a handcart. For example, you can also pull a handcart: for some must push and some must pull as they go marching up the hill.